Nigezza Creates aka Gez
What a year
You were alive for just 7 weeks of it
I then spent the next 45 weeks mourning you
I think I will feel that for the rest of my life
The pain sometimes is excruciating
I wonder at my ability to actually function while carrying so much pain
But I do
I still laugh occasionally
I still smile
I still find enjoyment
But always I miss you
Always feel the pain of your loss
Always feel the pain
But let’s look at what I’ve achieved this year
I created a space for you to spend your last months in
A tranquil space
A safe space
A space full of love
A space where your every need was attended to
A space that welcomed family and friends who could spend as much time with you as they could
I made sure your pain and discomfort was known to the health care team and that the right dose change happened when needed
I got up every time you needed more morphine
I woke up constantly through the night to make sure your were breathing and not in pain
I held you hand
I smiled
I took the piss
I laughed when you gave it back
I felt joy with every expression of love you gave me
Every word I heard and every text message you sent and the last things you wrote are now so precious
Some of the words now etched into my skin forever
I held you as you took your last breath
I held your hand
My face right in front of your face
My tears dropping onto yours as I spoke to you of our love our life and the last 3 months we were lucky to have
I could finally hug you as hard as I’d wanted to for months
You were no longer in pain
You no longer felt claustrophobic
I just held on to you
Hugged you so hard and I cried
I cried so hard
I wailed
The impossible had happened
You had gone
You had said you were at peace
You had said that you’d just wanted me at the end
You said you wanted your last words to be to me
All that happened
I was with you
I heard you
It was just us at the end
Me & you sharing your last moment
2 souls entwined
Entwined for ever
I called the nurses who verified you had gone
The carers came and I had to tell them you were gone
Your wonderful carers who did just that
They cared
They came and said goodbye to you
They cried with us
They had lost someone special as well
I called the funeral directors but not straight away
I was not ready to let you go
I sat holding your hand
I sat looking at your beautiful face
You were no longer in pain
You looked so peaceful
I didn’t want you to go
I held your hand
I held it for 5 hours
I couldn’t let you go
But I had to let you go
Then they took you away
My life without you started then
My life without you was not something I could comprehend
How was this possible
It still doesn’t seem possible
How are you not here
How can I be just about to start a year that you won’t ever see
Won’t be part of
How do I carry on?
I have to look at what I’ve achieved
Well I’m still here
I function every day
I see people
I shop
I cook
I clean
I still laugh
I still smile
I still find things that bring me joy
I was able to arrange a funeral
A wonderful celebration of a wonderful life
I wrote a eulogy
I read the eulogy
I arranged for friends to give you wonderful music at the service
The music you wanted
We had a wonderful wake the night before
The wake afterwards at the stadium was just so perfect
I sat in your seat
I looked at the pitch and could see what you saw every home match
That first month was full of so much sadmin
It helped me get through
I had so many friends and family around helping me through it all
So many check ins
So many people
So much love
I remember the first time seeing you at the funeral home
My body just bent in half
I held on to the bamboo side of your beautiful last resting place and wailed again
I thought I’d never stop
But I did stop
But not forever
I still have times when the tears come like that
Maybe not quite so raw
I have filled this year with lots of distractions
I went on pilgrimage
I took holidays
I went to festivals
I did special things to honour you
Your ashes sprinkled in many special places
I have made so many things to comfort me
Jewellery with your ashes
A tattoo
A journal
Facebook posts that I hope will show me, as the next year progresses, how far I’ve come in my grief
I have sought help
Reached out to widow groups
Formed new connections
Found support
Found a good therapist
Spent lots of time with family
Spent lots of time with friends
I’ve talked about you all the time
Shared memories, laughter and tears
Our boys have been there through out
They have carried their own grief
We have supported each other
We have cried together
We have laughed together
We have got through some big anniversaries
Not all complete yet
We made it through so far
We will make it through the rest
We are aware of how much we were loved
We were your world
We were lucky to be loved so deeply
And love in return
Slowly over the last 10 months things that were impossible to do have returned
I can once again listen to music
I can once again sit on the sofa and watch TV
I can now eat!
At first I could not swallow
It was like I was being strangled
My throat was closed over
None shall pass
No food at all
Over time, a lot of time, this has got better
I can walk
I get out in nature every day
I literally crave being outside
I especially want the sun on my skin
It’s almost as if I am feeling it for you
You were denied fresh air for 3 months
3 months of not leaving the hospital bed in our lounge
You used to say this is no life
Not often
I had to agree
It was very cruel
But I am living for you
I carry you with me all the time
I see the beauty in the world around me
The Simpson’s clouds
The birds
The Robins especially
The white feathers and butterflies you send me
The rainbows
The warmth on my skin as if you are holding me
I am visiting places you loved
I am visiting places you wanted to go but never got to
I talk to you every day
You said to me ‘what ever is occurring you will be making amazing things happen’
I hope I am
I am slowly getting back into making things
I am once again finding joy in my craft room
I can once again lose hours in there
I can create and my sad thoughts are gone for a time
I actually journal now
Not pen and paper but electronically
It’s very helpful
New habits are developing
Daily journal
Daily walk
Daily gratitude
Daily smiles
Not yet got daily laugher
I make plans
I seem to always have a trip planned
Always got something to look forward to
And I have our boys
We still have weekly family meals
We have holidays and weekends away together
Trips to the pub
Meals out
We provide practical help to each other
We support each other
Our families have been there as well
Plenty of visits
Plenty of shared memories
A few tears as well
Friends have been there as well
Lots of check ins
Lots of visits
Lots of memories shared there as well
So as this year ends I look back and I have lots to be grateful for
I have achieved so much
More than I thought possible
I will carry you forward with me into 2026
I will continue with my good habits
I look forward to learning new skills and developing more good habits
I will continue with our to do list in the house
Making life more ordered, less chaotic and more tranquil
I don’t think my heart will ever mend but I hope I am able to carry the broken pieces easier as the year progresses
I hope I find new joy and more laughter than I have this year.
May the peace you have found find me.
What a year
You were alive for just 7 weeks of it
I then spent the next 45 weeks mourning you
I think I will feel that for the rest of my life
The pain sometimes is excruciating
I wonder at my ability to actually function while carrying so much pain
But I do
I still laugh occasionally
I still smile
I still find enjoyment
But always I miss you
Always feel the pain of your loss
Always feel the pain
But let’s look at what I’ve achieved this year
I created a space for you to spend your last months in
A tranquil space
A safe space
A space full of love
A space where your every need was attended to
A space that welcomed family and friends who could spend as much time with you as they could
I made sure your pain and discomfort was known to the health care team and that the right dose change happened when needed
I got up every time you needed more morphine
I woke up constantly through the night to make sure your were breathing and not in pain
I held you hand
I smiled
I took the piss
I laughed when you gave it back
I felt joy with every expression of love you gave me
Every word I heard and every text message you sent and the last things you wrote are now so precious
Some of the words now etched into my skin forever
I held you as you took your last breath
I held your hand
My face right in front of your face
My tears dropping onto yours as I spoke to you of our love our life and the last 3 months we were lucky to have
I could finally hug you as hard as I’d wanted to for months
You were no longer in pain
You no longer felt claustrophobic
I just held on to you
Hugged you so hard and I cried
I cried so hard
I wailed
The impossible had happened
You had gone
You had said you were at peace
You had said that you’d just wanted me at the end
You said you wanted your last words to be to me
All that happened
I was with you
I heard you
It was just us at the end
Me & you sharing your last moment
2 souls entwined
Entwined for ever
I called the nurses who verified you had gone
The carers came and I had to tell them you were gone
Your wonderful carers who did just that
They cared
They came and said goodbye to you
They cried with us
They had lost someone special as well
I called the funeral directors but not straight away
I was not ready to let you go
I sat holding your hand
I sat looking at your beautiful face
You were no longer in pain
You looked so peaceful
I didn’t want you to go
I held your hand
I held it for 5 hours
I couldn’t let you go
But I had to let you go
Then they took you away
My life without you started then
My life without you was not something I could comprehend
How was this possible
It still doesn’t seem possible
How are you not here
How can I be just about to start a year that you won’t ever see
Won’t be part of
How do I carry on?
I have to look at what I’ve achieved
Well I’m still here
I function every day
I see people
I shop
I cook
I clean
I still laugh
I still smile
I still find things that bring me joy
I was able to arrange a funeral
A wonderful celebration of a wonderful life
I wrote a eulogy
I read the eulogy
I arranged for friends to give you wonderful music at the service
The music you wanted
We had a wonderful wake the night before
The wake afterwards at the stadium was just so perfect
I sat in your seat
I looked at the pitch and could see what you saw every home match
That first month was full of so much sadmin
It helped me get through
I had so many friends and family around helping me through it all
So many check ins
So many people
So much love
I remember the first time seeing you at the funeral home
My body just bent in half
I held on to the bamboo side of your beautiful last resting place and wailed again
I thought I’d never stop
But I did stop
But not forever
I still have times when the tears come like that
Maybe not quite so raw
I have filled this year with lots of distractions
I went on pilgrimage
I took holidays
I went to festivals
I did special things to honour you
Your ashes sprinkled in many special places
I have made so many things to comfort me
Jewellery with your ashes
A tattoo
A journal
Facebook posts that I hope will show me, as the next year progresses, how far I’ve come in my grief
I have sought help
Reached out to widow groups
Formed new connections
Found support
Found a good therapist
Spent lots of time with family
Spent lots of time with friends
I’ve talked about you all the time
Shared memories, laughter and tears
Our boys have been there through out
They have carried their own grief
We have supported each other
We have cried together
We have laughed together
We have got through some big anniversaries
Not all complete yet
We made it through so far
We will make it through the rest
We are aware of how much we were loved
We were your world
We were lucky to be loved so deeply
And love in return
Slowly over the last 10 months things that were impossible to do have returned
I can once again listen to music
I can once again sit on the sofa and watch TV
I can now eat!
At first I could not swallow
It was like I was being strangled
My throat was closed over
None shall pass
No food at all
Over time, a lot of time, this has got better
I can walk
I get out in nature every day
I literally crave being outside
I especially want the sun on my skin
It’s almost as if I am feeling it for you
You were denied fresh air for 3 months
3 months of not leaving the hospital bed in our lounge
You used to say this is no life
Not often
I had to agree
It was very cruel
But I am living for you
I carry you with me all the time
I see the beauty in the world around me
The Simpson’s clouds
The birds
The Robins especially
The white feathers and butterflies you send me
The rainbows
The warmth on my skin as if you are holding me
I am visiting places you loved
I am visiting places you wanted to go but never got to
I talk to you every day
You said to me ‘what ever is occurring you will be making amazing things happen’
I hope I am
I am slowly getting back into making things
I am once again finding joy in my craft room
I can once again lose hours in there
I can create and my sad thoughts are gone for a time
I actually journal now
Not pen and paper but electronically
It’s very helpful
New habits are developing
Daily journal
Daily walk
Daily gratitude
Daily smiles
Not yet got daily laugher
I make plans
I seem to always have a trip planned
Always got something to look forward to
And I have our boys
We still have weekly family meals
We have holidays and weekends away together
Trips to the pub
Meals out
We provide practical help to each other
We support each other
Our families have been there as well
Plenty of visits
Plenty of shared memories
A few tears as well
Friends have been there as well
Lots of check ins
Lots of visits
Lots of memories shared there as well
So as this year ends I look back and I have lots to be grateful for
I have achieved so much
More than I thought possible
I will carry you forward with me into 2026
I will continue with my good habits
I look forward to learning new skills and developing more good habits
I will continue with our to do list in the house
Making life more ordered, less chaotic and more tranquil
I don’t think my heart will ever mend but I hope I am able to carry the broken pieces easier as the year progresses
I hope I find new joy and more laughter than I have this year.
May the peace you have found find me.
Video where I chat about Ed
If you are interested do check out my Ko-Fi page for Freebies and Kits - https://ko-fi.com/nigezza
I will be back, until then ...
Happy Crafting!
Gez xxx
Happy Crafting!
Gez xxx
Here are the Affiliate links of my favourite things on Amazon. As an Amazon Associate I do earn a small commission on qualifying purchases at no extra cost to you. If you purchase using these links it helps to support my channel, thank you, Gez x
My Amazon Shop Front - https://www.amazon.co.uk/shop/nigezzacreates
Collall glue - https://amzn.to/4e1cAt1
Glue bottles - https://amzn.to/3R65hGH
Glue stick - https://amzn.to/4dZ0y3q
Blue corner rounder - https://amzn.to/3R4U4WY
Yellow tag punch - https://amzn.to/4bHSxyf
Blending brushes - https://amzn.to/451ndI9
Label stamp - https://amzn.to/3WZnHws
