Monday, 15 December 2025

Remembering Ed



     Nigezza Creates aka Gez


    Memories of Ed

    My sister came to visit and brought a bit of Christmas with her!  My very first Christmas jumper. We went out for some cocktails and went to our favourite place in town. It was very packed and there were no seats, but as we were standing there 2 people got up to go. So we were able to sit. The seats were the exact same ones we sat in on our wedding day. Now if that is not a sign I don't know what is. 

My sister sat in the arm chair Ed had sat in. I kept feeling him there. I kept touching the arm of the chair and I found comfort in that as well as some sadness. When my sister went to the loo I sat there and asked James to take a photo. He said I had to smile, I wasn't really aware that I had not been smiling.


Ed made me smile and laugh every day. I am aware that I do not laugh every day now, most days I do smile though. I find a little joy in every day and I type these in my journal. Writing my journal every day is really helping and sharing Christmas memories on my youtube channel is also helping. 


I never realised that your heart could physically hurt. Actually physically hurt. Not just an emotion. A tangible pain. Unfortunately pain killers can’t touch this pain. Nothing really can. But a few things do ease it a little.


On my walk earlier this week a little white feather floated down in front of my eyes and I was able to catch it. I now have it safely stored. I can’t tell you how much this lifted me because the pain was quite bad yesterday.


Later on in my walk I saw a black and white bird. Not a magpie, don’t know what it was, Ed would be able to tell me. It made me smile.


I noticed for the first time in my life the sound of the dried leaves scratching the path in the wind. It was a lovely sound that almost spoke to me of love and missing me.


I was able to smile as the sun shone through the trees and the rustle sounds as the wind blew through the branches.


Later when my earbud fell out, something that never happens, I bent to pick it up and I was then able to see a crow just a few feet away on the ground.


I also found the most beautifully formed white feather on the ground. It was dry which was amazing in itself with all the rain we’ve had.


These are the things that help with the pain. The glimmers and the signs.

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Thursday, 11 December 2025

Day 1 December Daily With Ed Memories

Welcome to my blog!

December Daily Nigezza Creates



It has been a while since I have written a blog post, almost a year in fact. It has not been the best year for me. If you follow me you will know that I lost my husband in February. I have found that my creativity and my YouTube channel have been very therapeutic for me. I have also found journalling really helpful as well. So I thought I would start writing a blog again. 

I was, well I am really dreading Christmas. Ed loved Christmas, he always had time off work and really enjoyed all the preparations, getting the house all decorated and planning our meals. We always had our boys with us, in the past 5 years his mum was also here and sometimes his sister and husband would come. 

Last Christmas was not the happiest. We knew it was Ed's last and at this moment last year we didn't actually think he would make it to Christmas. He was in a hospital bed in the lounge and was being looked after my me with the help of 4 carer visits a day. He was so poorly he was being nursed in bed as he no longer had the strength to stand or walk. He was wasting away before our very eyes. Cancer is cruel. 

I have decided to complete a December Daily. I am using the Christmas Journal I made for Ed a few years ago. I had made for him to plan Christmas, I thought he could put recipes and meal planning and shopping lists etc in it. He used to always worry that things would not be done in time. I thought it would help him and also quite fun to add to it every year. He didn't want to write in it as he said it was too beautiful and didn't want to spoil it. 

So when I found it I thought I could use it to add memories of happy christmases we have shared over the last 37 years we had together. My idea is that by doing this every day I will be able to reprogram my brain into looking forward Christmas. I am not putting up any decorations, we had the tree up until after Ed died because he did not want it taken down in January. So it was up until the end of February, I think that is enough for this year. I will wait and see how I feel about next year. 

I have shared 8 days now on my channel so far. I will link the first one below for you.  Click here




Thank you for ready, I will share again when I feel like it. 

Cheers

Gez x


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